Friday Funnies- A Humorous Look at Equestrian Terminology
If you're fairly new to the horse scene, you've probably heard more experienced equestrians throwing around words you don't understand. For your education and amusement, here are some definitions of common equestrian terms.
Azoturia (Monday Morning Disease) a condition brought on by showing horses all weekend. Symptoms include the feeling of dread at having to get out of bed on Mondays and go to work.
Barn Sour An affliction common to horse people in northern climates during the winter months. Trudging through deep snow, pushing wheelbarrows through snow and beating out frozen water buckets tend to bring on this condition rapidly.
Bog Spavin The feeling of panic when riding through marshy area. Also used to refer to horses who throw a fit at having to go through water puddles.
Bolt to gulp feed usually occurs with sandwiches at half-hour holds.
Bran A wheat by-product occasionally fed moistened to horses, most usually applied as spackel or stucco on owner.
Colic The gastrointestinal result of eating at the food stands at horse shows.
Colt What your mare always gives you when you want a filly. Contracted foot The involuntary/instant reflex of curling one's toes up - right before a horse steps on your foot.
Corn small callus growths formed from the continual wearing of cowboy boots.
Cribbing The vice of chewing your pencils while worrying as you figuring cost of next year s hay.
Drench Term used to describe the condition an owner is in after he administers mineral oil to his horse.
Endurance ride The end result when your horse spooks and runs away with you in the woods.
Equitation The ability to keep a smile on your face and proper posture while your horse tries to crowhop, shy and buck his way around a show ring.
Feed Expensive substance utilized in the manufacture of large quantities of manure
Fences Decorative perimeter structures built to give a horse something to chew on, scratch against and jump over (see inbreeding).
Flea-bitten A condition of the lower extremities in horse owners who also own dogs and cats.
Flies The excuse of choice a horse uses so he can kick you, buck you off or knock you over - he cannot be punished.
Founder 1.) The discovery of your loose mare-some miles from your farm, usually in a flower bed or cornfield. Used like-"Hey, honey, I found'er." 2.) A condition that happens to most people after Thanksgiving dinner
Frog Small amphibious animal that emits a high-pitched squeal when stepped on.
Gallop The customary gait a horse chooses when returning to the barn
Gates Wooden or metal structures built to amuse horses.
Girth Sores Painful swelling and abrasion made at the point of mid-section by fashionable large western belt buckles.
Green Broke The color of the face of the person who has just gotten the training bill from the Big Name Trainer...
Grooming The fine art of brushing the dirt from one's horse and applying it to your own body.
Grooms Heavy, stationary objects used at horse shows to hold down lawn chairs and show bills. (see pit crews)
Hay A green itchy material that collects between layers of clothing, especially in unmentionable places.
Head Shy A reluctance to use the public restrooms at any horse event. Always applies to pit toilets.
Head Tosser A blonde-haired woman who wears fashion boots while working in the barn.
Heaves The act of unloading a truck full of hay.
Hobbles Describes the walking gait of a horse owner after his/her foot has been stepped on by his/her horse.
Hock The financial condition that a horse owner goes into.
Hoof Pick Useful, curbed metal tool utilized to remove hardened dog doo from the treads of your tennis shoes.
Horse Trailer Expensive movable urinal for horses. (and occasionally riders)
Horse shoes Expensive semi-circular projectiles that horses like to throw.
Inbreeding The breeding results of broken/inadequate pasture fencing.
Jumping The characteristic movement that an equine makes when given a vaccine or has his hooves trimmed.
Lameness The condition of most riders after the first few rides each year; can be a chronic condition in weekend riders.
Lead Rope A long apparatus instrumental in the administration of rope burns. Also used by excited horses to take a handler for a drag.
Longeing A training method a horse uses on its owner with the purpose making the owner spin in circles-rendering the owner dizzy and light-headed so that they get sick and pass out, so the horse can go back to grazing.
Mosquitoes Radar equipped blood sucking insects that typically reach the size of small birds.
Mustang The type of horse your husband would gladly trade your favorite one for...preferably in a red convertible and V-8.
Parasites Small children (no flames please) that get in your way when you work in the barn. Many gather in swarms at horse shows.
Pinto A colorful (usually green) coat pattern found on a freshly washed and sparkling clean grey horse that was left unattended in his stall for ten minutes.
Pit Crews Absolutely indispensable people occasionally noted for their ability to get lost, be in the way, eat all the food, or be sleeping in the camper when you finish a 100 mile ride.
Pony The true size of the stallion that you bred your mare to via transported semen-that was advertised as 15 hands tall.
Proud Flesh The external reproductive organs flaunted by a stallion when a horse of any gender is present. Often displayed in halter classes.
Quarter Cracks The comments that most Arabian owners make about the people who own Quarter Horses.
Quiter A term trainers have commonly used to refer to their clients who come to their senses and pull horses out of their barns.
Race What your heart does when you see the vet bill.
Rasp An abrasive, long, flat metal tool used to remove excess skin from the knuckles.
Reins Break-away leather device used to tie horses with.
Ringworms Spectators who block your view and gather around the rail sides at horse shows.
Sacking out A condition caused by Sleeping Sickness (see below). The state of deep sleep a mare owner will be in at the time a mare actually goes into labor and foals.
Saddle An expensive leather contraption manufactured to give the rider a false sense of security. Comes in many styles, all feature built-in ejector seats.
Saddle Sore The way the rider's bottom feels the morning after an endurance ride weekend.
Sleeping Sickness A disease peculiar to mare owners while waiting for their mares to foal. Caused by nights of lost sleep, symptoms include irritability, red baggy eyes and a zombie-like waking state. Can last several weeks.
Splint An apparatus that can be applied to various body parts of a rider due to the parting of the ways of a horse and his passenger.
Stall What your truck does on the way to am endurance ride, 150 miles from the closest town.
Tack Room A room where every item necessary to work with or train your horse has been put, in a place which it cannot be found in less than 30 minutes.
Twisted Gut The feeling deep inside that most riders get before the endurance ride.
Versatility an owners ability to shovel manure, fix fences and chase down a loose horse in one afternoon.
Vet Catalog An illustrated brochure provided to stable owners that features a wide array of products that are currently out of stock or have been dropped from a company's inventory.
Weaving The movement a horse trailer makes while going down the road with a rambunctious horse in it.
Whip Marks The tell-tale raised welts on the face of a rider-caused by the trail rider directly in front of you letting a low hanging ranch go. (Also caused by a wet or dry horse tail across the face while cleaning hooves)
Windpuffs Stallion owners. Also applied to used car salesmen.
Withers The reason you'll seldom see a man riding bareback.
Yearling the age at which all horses completely forget the things you taught them previously.
Youngstock A general term used for all equines old enough to bite, kick or run you over, but not yet old enough to dump you on the ground.
Zoo The typical atmosphere around most horse owner s houses before a weekend excursion